Ways To Piss Off A Cop

When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
Touch him.
When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you were rushing home because you realized you forgot your helmet. (Particularly good in those Helmet Law states!)
Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
Refer to him by his first name.
Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
When he says no, cry.
If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
If he asks you to step off the bike, automatically throw yourself onto his hood.
When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
Bribe him with donuts.
When he comes up your bike, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
Trip and fall into him.
Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
Chew on the pen, nervously.
Clean your ear with the pen.
If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
Act like you are retarded.
When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
Or mumble to yourself.
When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin' about man?
Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
When he comes up to your bike, say I have a badge just like yours!
Ask if he watches Cops.
Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
Giggle if he did.
Talk to your hand.
Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
When he asks to inspect your bike, say there is no alcohol on my bike, sir, the last cop got it.
Try to sell him your bike.
Ask if you can buy his car.
If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
Play with the siren.
If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
If there is someone else on the bike with you, talk to each other in tongues.
When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
When you are in the back of his car, touch his neck through the fencing.
Turn your head and whistle.
When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
Ask if you can see his gun.
When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
Tell him you like men in uniform.
Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
While he is sitting in his car running your plates and license, whip it out and pee on one of his tires.
Touch his shirt and say "hey man, you got a booger on your shirt" when he looks down do the nose bump thing and say "Damn, cops are so stupid".
Every time he tries to use his radio, squeal like a pig as loud as you can.
Ask him if he feels like a BIG MAN just because he has a gun. (Submitted by Smaug) That's not funny Smaug...I've done that before!! Rhonda
Laugh until he asks you why and tell him you think it's funny that he didn't see you throw your stash in the bushes so he can't prove it's yours. After him and his co-cops spend an hour looking for it admit that you were just kidding.
Keep staring at him until he asks you why you are doing it. Tell him that you once got drunk and humped a monkey and you are wondering if he is your son.
If he makes you walk a straight line to prove your aren't drunk. Do it hopscotch style.
Every time he asks you a question. Ask your imaginary friend for the answer.
If he/she frisks you, moan loudly and say things like "oh, baby", "OH YES, YES" and of course the old standard "a little to the left, baby".
Make up a cute nickname for him and use it often. Something like "Tinkerbelle" should work nicely.
While signing the ticket, ask him if he realizes that your Green Beret uncle taught you 17 ways to kill with a ball point pen.
Every time he takes his eyes off of you, make loud fart noises.
Accuse him of sleeping with your wife. When he denies it, tell him he should try her. After all, she's a lot better in the sack than HIS wife.
When he asks to see your license, ask to shoot his gun.
When he says "Please step off the bike" say, "I cant, you get on."
Ask him if you can be his date for the Policemen's Ball.
Look at his head, then ask, "Who cuts your hair?"
Ask him, "If you aren't allowed to drink & drive, then why do they put parking lots around bars???"
When asked to see your license and registration, ask to see naked pictures of his wife. If he says he does not have any, ask if he would like to buy some. Then say, "What a firecracker!"
When he asks for your license, say "I would...but the last cop that asked me for my license didn't give it back!" (Submitted by Pink Leather)
bullet When pulled over by the Highway Patrol. Ask if you can buy some tickets to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. They usually reply that Highway Patrolmen don't have balls. Then shake your head & laugh. (Submitted by JC)
When he goes to run your license and registration, ask if he minds if you have a couple of beers while you wait.
If you end up in the back of a cop car, annoy him by farting, pissing, or if you can manage to vomit...even better.
When riding to lockup, constantly ask "Are we there yet?"
For those of us who have bike cops........Yeah I know why you pulled me over. You wanted to see what a fast bike looks like.
When asked if you know why he pulled you over, say "Because you thought I had donuts on me?"
When the cop asks you why you didn't stop right away, just tell him, "I wasn't sure if the flashing lights behind me were a cop or if it was just the acid kicking in."
Ask him to hold your beer while you get your license & registration for him.
"Are You Andy or Barney?"
When he/she asks if you have any drugs or firearms say "sure whatta ya need?


Bra Sizes (as defined by bikers!)

Did you ever wonder why A, B, C, D, E, & F are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can do
D - Darn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake


Biker Chick Blow job Etiquette

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

FREE SEX

Two bikers rode into a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up, because they
heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex" said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked one.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"OK. I guess 7," said the other rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two guys go back to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and
10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the Harley rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Y'all come back soon
and try again."

As they walked back to their bikes, one said to the other,
"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," came the reply. "My wife won twice last week."

KEEP YOUR CHROME SHINY


style="font-family: Arial;">This guy
has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"